Narcissistic abuse is a type of emotional abuse forced by people who have narcissistic traits or who may be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The narcissistic abuse cycle is an abusive pattern of behaviour that involves idealization of a person, then devaluing them, repeating the cycle, and then discarding them when the person no longer serves their needs.
Characteristics of Narcissistic Abusers
Often, it is said that individuals with narcissistic traits often lack empathy, but this can be better explained as a person who lacks awareness or consideration for their impact on another person; they have a strong need for admiration or acknowledgement, which can lead to manipulative, hurtful, or harmful behaviours. The impact can be felt by the recipient as emotional, physical, or psychological abuse.
They may use insults, accusations, and threats to manipulate you into doing what they want. Individuals with narcissistic behaviours often use schemes like love-bombing, gaslighting, constant criticism, or projection to gain control over their victims.
They have a grandiose or entitled sense of self, expect favorable treatment, do not follow through on their promises, and have unreasonable expectations of their victims. They often struggle to maintain interpersonal relationships across different areas of life, including home, work, and society. Their relationships can also be emotionally abusive.
Although it is common for individuals to have narcissistic traits, the severity varies on the spectrum. An individual may be involved in a narcissistic abuse cycle with someone who doesn’t meet the diagnostic criteria of NPD, but may have NPD traits.
Understanding the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse follows a definite and cyclical pattern consisting of three key phases: idealization, devaluation, and discarding. These phases can occur repeatedly in a cyclic loop that traps the victim in a continuous trap of emotional turmoil. The trap comes from the receiver’s desire for their own false beliefs or fantasies of the relationship to be true.
1. Idealization Phase
The initial stage includes excessive attention and admiration, as discussed in the ‘love bombing stage.’ The narcissists present an idealized image of themselves, showcasing affection, charm, empathy, and care to lure the victim into the relationship.
During the phase, the victim often experiences a heightened sense of emotional well-being and connection, unaware of manipulative tactics at play.
2. Devaluation Phase
As your relationship progresses with the narcissist, they shift from admiration to criticism. This phase is distinguished by gaslighting, emotional withdrawal, and demeaning behaviours. The abuser undermines the ability of the victim to perceive reality, undermines their self-esteem, and leads to confusion and self-doubt.
The inconsistent behaviours of a narcissist, from initial idealization and later devaluation, create psychological dependence of the victim on the abuser. The victim longs for the return of their ‘ideal’ partner from the courting phase of the relationship.
3. Discarding Phase
In the final stage, the narcissist might end the relationship abruptly or become distant from you gradually. This phase can involve psychological, emotional, or physical abandonment, and while the victim is worn out by constant devaluation, they feel worthless and shattered.
Narcissists usually don’t discard their victims for long; they often return to previous victims, restarting the cycle with a renewed phase of idealization.
It is important to understand the narcissist’s cycle of behaviour to recognize the signs of abuse while it is happening. Victims often feel trapped in the cycle of abuse due to a complicated mix of low self-esteem, emotional dependency, and intermittent reinforcement of attention and affection, filling their own need for connection.
16 Indicative Signs of Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
Individuals who are related to or have been with someone with narcissistic traits describe their narcissistic abuse behaviours. These behaviours include entitlement (e.g., controlling the victim’s finances), attention-seeking, or a need for admiration. They have a grandiose sense of self, believing they are superior, have arrogance, and disregard boundaries.
Narcissistic abuse can be emotional, physical, financial, sexual, or mental.
1. Verbal Abuse
Narcissistic abusers often belittle, bully, shame, give orders, and blame their victims. They are very demanding, use sarcasm, threats, criticize, undermine, interrupt, and show rage towards their victims.
2. Gaslighting
When you call out a narcissistic abuser, it is usual for them to deny their controlling and hurtful behaviours. Instead, they will accuse you of lying, or not understanding the ‘reality’ of events, or pretend they don’t remember.
They intentionally make you distrust your beliefs and understandings of reality, and make you believe you’re mentally incompetent to make decisions on your own. They may also deny that any problem occurred, question your memory, and laugh off or belittle your feelings.
3. Manipulation and Emotional Blackmail
In general, manipulation is the indirect influence of one person on another to make them behave in line with the manipulator’s goals and desires. It is usually expressed as covert aggression, and they can use guilt or alter the truth to make you doubt your actions and decisions.
It may include anger, threats, warnings, punishment, or intimidation to provoke doubt about yourself. You often feel an obligation to abide by the rules of the narcissistic abuser and develop fear and guilt.
Narcissists often create an environment where the victim usually feels uncertain of their actions. They might have unpredictable reactions, inconsistent treatment, or sudden mood changes. The victim may feel constantly unsure of how to behave, be anxious, and this increases their risk of further control and manipulation.
They can also threaten to harm themselves or take extreme measures if the person doesn’t behave as they desire, and warn to leave you.
4. Negative Contrasting
They make unnecessary comparisons to negatively contrast you with themselves or others. They dismiss your achievements and worth, and on the contrary, humiliate, insult, degrade, and belittle you.
Some feedback or criticism might be normal in a relationship, but a narcissistic abuser can make you feel that every action of yours is wrong. If you’re in a relationship with such a person, your appearance, behaviours, likes/ dislikes, and even the sound of your voice may be criticized.
5. Exploitation and Objectification
They use and take advantage of you for personal benefits, without any regard to your feelings or needs. The abuser may hold grudges and seek revenge or punishment against anyone who doesn’t agree with them or act as they desire.
6. Lying and Withholding
They continuously use deception to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or to fulfill their personal needs. They also withhold necessities like communication, money, affection, or sexual relations to ascertain their control over you.
Abusers also lie to cover up feelings of shame or insecurity, or may fabricate a story to portray themselves as a hero or the victim.
7. Neglect
Narcissistic abusers ignore the needs of the child from whom they are responsible; they may put the child in dangerous situations with no regard for the child’s safety.
8. Privacy Invasion
They don’t build healthy boundaries in relationships, will look through your items, phone, email, and deny physical privacy to the extent of stalking you. They also ignore your request for privacy.
It is common for someone who has narcissistic traits to test your boundaries; they may read your messages, keep a track of your whereabouts, or control your activities outside the home. If you attempt to set healthy boundaries, you may be met with accusations, anger, or arguments.
9. Character Assassination and Violence
Narcissistic abusers spread false and malicious gossip about you to other people. They also use violence to block your movement around the space by throwing things, pulling your hair, or destroying your property.
10. Financial Abuse
It may include controlling you through economic domination, by taking away your money through extortion, manipulation, theft, or even accruing debt in your name and selling your property.
11. Isolation
Narcissistic abusers isolate themselves from their friends, family, and access to community services and support by inflicting control, verbal abuse, manipulation, or blame. They might be insecure, suspicious, or jealous, which leads them to control your actions, interactions, or relationships.
12. Sabotage
They interfere and disrupt your path to personal goals, dreams, or relationships for the sake of their personal advantage or revenge-seeking behaviour.
13. Lack of Empathy
Narcissistic abusers are unable to empathize with the feelings and needs of other people or understand your perspective. It may result in neglect, harmful behaviour, emotional distance, or a cold attitude.
14. Volatile Behaviour
You may feel as if you’re ‘walking on eggshells’ around a person with narcissistic traits, the abuser can have unpredictable and irrational responses to your needs, and respond with abuse or aggression. They also have sudden outbursts of uncontrolled rage, which may cause distress or physical harm to the other person.
15. Love-Bombing
Narcissistic partners or friends often shower you with affection and compliments, only for their personal interest. The attention may seem lovable and positive, but it is also a tactic for emotional manipulation. Love-bombers can give you expensive gifts and say things you wish to hear. Later, they can earn your trust to control you.
16. Projection
They don’t take blame for their mistakes, and may project bad behaviours on you. A commonly utilized tactic is DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender. They shift the blame to their victim and deny any damage to their credibility and their guilt.
Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
People who have been in a close relationship with a narcissistic person can have their lives take a turn for the worse. The victim has low self-esteem, lacks a sense of self, and feels worthless. They lose confidence in their abilities, doubt themselves, question reality, and the trauma might lead to a psychiatric condition known as post-traumatic stress disorder.
Furthermore, they might isolate themselves from loved one due to trauma, anxiety, or fear of narcissistic abuse. They lose their independence and don’t engage in recreational activities. Narcissistic abuse can have negative effects on the victim’s health, leading to anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts.
Your brain also releases stress hormones due to experienced trauma, and it has an impact on brain functions. Emotional abuse can affect memory, recall, or cause a struggle to concentrate on tasks at hand.
People may also experience physical symptoms due to prolonged stress and trauma, such as headaches, stomachaches, or body soreness due to physical abuse by narcissists. Intimate partner violence (IPV) may include emotional, physical, and psychological abuse. Females who have been a victim of are twice as likely to experience chronic pain and illness.
Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse
Indeed, narcissistic abusers don’t always harm their victims in similar patterns, but living through the abuse can seriously affect you. Even though a narcissistic relationship can be intensely damaging, the abuse survivor can heal and recover from the trauma.
● Acknowledge your Abuse
Before you begin to heal from narcissistic abuse, you have to acknowledge and recognize that it occurred. Narcissistic abuse is subtle, and you might question for a long time if a certain act was abuse or not, even though it was. During the relationship, you are often questioned for basic behaviours, so you misjudge your rational behaviours for a long time after the abuse.
It takes a long time to accept that someone you loved and cared for so deeply can hurt you so horribly, but denying the abuse can take away your chance to address and heal from it.
● Process your Emotions
Breakups in relationships can come with difficulty in dealing with emotions like anger, sadness, and grief. However, in the case of a relationship with a narcissistic abuser, you may also feel suspicion, shame, fear, anxiety, or symptoms of PTSD.
You need to work on managing your emotions with the therapist to work on them in a safe environment.
● Set Healthy Boundaries
When the relationship ends, you need to unfollow, block, and restrict them on your social media accounts so the abuser can’t access you through them. Your therapist will also help you to learn to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty to protect your emotional well-being.
Effective boundaries can act as a safeguard against further psychological or emotional harm, and reinforcing boundaries can create a safe and empowering environment for you.
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● Recognizing Patterns of Manipulation
Identifying narcissistic behaviours can build clarity about the experiences, you let go of self-blame, and rebuild your sense of identity. As a victim, you need to understand the extent of trauma and impact of the abusive relationship, and it is a critical step to recover and gain clarity about the toxic relationship.
● Empower Yourself
People often lose their self-identity in relationships with narcissists, and after breaking through it, you need to focus on yourself. You need to rediscover yourself, rebuild relationships with family and friends, and practice self-care techniques.
Conclusion
Self-care techniques like the use of positive affirmations can improve your self-esteem, and exercise can release pent-up feelings of rage, grief, and anger. Practice breathing exercises to manage emotions, and adopt a creative hobby to express them healthily. But more so, connecting with another person, friend, or therapist who can help you work through the distorted emotions, thoughts, or trauma is essential to eventually free yourself from the internalized impact of the relationship.
A mental health professional at the Boomerang Counselling Centre can help you to process the abuse and trauma, learn to forgive yourself, and find ways to cope with the negative effects of abuse. Therapy from the best counselling centre can help you lead a confident, healthy, and renewed life with improved well-being.
